I’d like to start this blog post by saying that I do not hold any resentment towards anyone from my past. I will, of course, keep out any names as I’m writing this to relieve a pain I’ve held in my heart for years and to finally let go of things that hold me back, nothing more and nothing less. I wish all the best for everyone I’ve had the pleasure of meeting in my life whether the experience was a positive or negative one.
At 16 years old, I was lost and searching. I didn’t know what I was searching for but I knew there was an emptiness that I needed to fill. In the midst of my searching, I found a church. One that, in the beginning, welcomed me with open arms. I felt… at home. I felt wanted. All my life all I’d wanted was to feel accepted. It was bliss. Until reality came crashing down in the form of a blue eyed boy who saw vulnerability as an easy in to a lost girl’s heart. He and his family were celebrated members of the church, active and helpful for years and years. A faithful group, the all around Christian family ideal… at least on the outside.
Desperate to be accepted, I dedicated my life to scripture and spent every waking moment of my being trying to mold myself into the pure Christian girl they wanted for their son. All the while, my mind was being controlled and manipulated by the same boy I changed my everything to be with. I gave my all to him mind, body, and soul just as he told me to do and as he told me scripture told me to do. He controlled my every move, my every thought, my everything. I lost my friends and I pulled away from my family all because he believed he should be my one and only. I carried on with everything he said and said nothing when he publicly blamed me for every problem that would occur because he told me to. I was always the problem, I was always the instigator, I was always the “bad influence.” All I wanted was acceptance and I would do anything to get it, even if it meant letting someone degrade me for an entire year and permanently tarnish my reputation for things that I virtually had no control over and some things that were just out right lies. I carried on as he made his family’s distaste for me painfully clear, I carried on as he spread lies about me as a method of control (because if everyone hates me, he has no competition), I carried on until I couldn’t carry on anymore. After a year of pure mental and emotional abuse, I built up the courage to leave him.
Through it all, I decided to stay going to the church and rededicate my life to God and really just focus on my relationship with Him. As much as I’d hoped for things to change and for people to acknowledge my dedication, I was surely disappointed. I was mocked and ridiculed because to them, my dedication was a facade. No matter what I did to try to prove myself, nothing was accepted. My name was tainted, my presence was unwelcomed. I was told nonchalantly by a man who had physically stolen (and was caught) from the church “you and I have the worst reputation in the church.” That was a big blow for me. What had I ever done that could be comparable to stealing from a church to give people such a disgust for my presence? To this day, I still don’t understand. That destroyed me. All I wanted was to fit into this family. Every day I felt alone and every day it killed me a little more to know I would never be welcomed.
My own best friend had come to me one day and admitted that she had been pretending to not be my friend for a long time so people wouldn’t hate her too. She went to them and spread the same hate for me that everyone else had been doing to fit in. It was a bonding experience to degrade me and voice their distaste for everything I’ve ever done and every choice I’ve ever made. The same people that would preach love and acceptance were the ones who wanted nothing more than to never see me again. There were families that didn’t want me around their children and were vocal about it.
It was very clear to me my presence wasn’t welcomed but due to the overwhelming support and acceptance I had from one specific family, I stayed. Now, this family was something different. This family was everything I believed (and still believe) Christianity was meant to be and I’ve never felt more loved and welcomed by a single group of people. Through everything that had been said about me and the looks and whispers they received because of it, they openly accepted me into their family.
However, the negative people are always the loudest and their opinions about me didn’t stop and it ate away at me day in and day out until I found myself crying myself to sleep nightly wondering why I could never be enough. At that point in my life, I hated myself. I believed what was being said about me and tried to fix every “flaw” they saw in me but they were relentless. I was miserable. Then, I started to realize that these were the people that were being seen as the “Godly ones”, the ones that we were to aspire to be. That was the turning point for me.
When I realized some of the most celebrated people in the church were also the most sinister, the most hypocritical, the most negative, I started looking at Christians outside of the church and saw all the same things. This wasn’t just one small group of bad seeds, this is Christianity as a whole, this is religion as a whole. Hypocrisy, judgement, intolerance, negativity, etc. That’s when I realized that this isn’t something I want to associate myself with any longer.
With that being said, I do not in any way, shape, or form hold any resentment towards those who are religious. I do not think lesser of them, I do not think anything negative about them, and I am completely aware not all those who are religious are bad seeds, it’s just something I simply do not want to be a part of. Since I’ve made the decision to denounce religion and focus on bettering myself, I’ve learned to love myself and I’ve finally found who I am as a person. I’ve finally found what I was so desperately searching for and it was ME. I’m happy to say that I’m living my life for myself now and I’ve never been more proud.
-Candice
Candice Speaks 